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A Horror Movie Character's

Survival Tips:

1. Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.

    

2. If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by.

    

3. If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.

    

4. Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.

    

5. If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.

    

6. Don't work the night shift.

    

7. Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.

    

8. Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc...)

    

9. If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)

    

10. If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

     

11. Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

     

12. Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

     

13. Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

     

14. Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you.

     

15. Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead.

     

16. Stay on the Interstate.

     

17. If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.

     

18. If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

     

19. If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are on their own.

     

20. Any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.

     

21. Whenever someone warn's you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They are only trying to save you from a most certain and Horrible death)

     

22. Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.

     

23. Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait.

     

24. If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. also, don't swim at night, especially when alone.

     

25. If you are female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower.

     

26. If you really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.

     

27. When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!!

     

28. Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.

     

29. Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.

     

30. Don't volunteer to go for help !

     

31. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

     

32. Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.

     

33. Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.

     

34. If you discover any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!!

     

35. Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies.

     

36. If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure it is a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation.

     

37. NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.

     

38. Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho.

     

39. All myths and legends have a basis in fact...

     

40. If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures.

     

41. On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up...

     

42. Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.

     

43. If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind.

     

44. If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead.

     

45. If you value your life, stay a virgin.

     

46. Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.

     

47. Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.)

     

48. If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE!

     

49. When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.

     

50. OR... When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.

     

51. All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)

     

52. Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.

     

53. Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.

     

54. Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was.

     

55. Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.

     

56. Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless your Bill Gates.

     

57. Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.

     

58. Don't eat food supplements, health food or yogurt. Its not as good for you as you think.

     

59. When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of the Corporation.

     

60. Avoid men in black.

     

61. Also avoid men with pointy teeth.

     

62. Natch facial hair.

     

63. Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway.

     

64. When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.

     

65. If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.

     

66. NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in texas.

     

67. NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

     

68. Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner.

     

69. If you hear weird music start to play run like hell.

     

70. If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."

     

71. Fnd a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.

     

72. When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.

     

73. If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must
    1. Be a natural blond. Blondes with visable roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens
    2. Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.
    3. Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters
    4. If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here.
    5. Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.
    6. Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot.
    7. Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure.

     

74. Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

     

75. If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet.

     

76. Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow.

     

77. When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there!

     

78. Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right!

     

79. When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from.

     

80. If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are.

     

81. If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.

     

82. If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.

     

83. When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't!

     

84. Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

     

85. Never be funnier than the main character.

     

86. Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

     

87. NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

     

88. NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

     

89. Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

     

90. When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

     

91. If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk.

     

92. Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

     

93. Never walk backwards!

     

94. If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

     

95. Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

     

96. If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some.

     

97. Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.

     

98. If, at any point, you are running from a monster/ villian in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up.

     

99. If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers.

     

100. Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.