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A Horror Movie Character's

Survival Tips:

1. If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.


2. If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from the next room.


3. If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch no matter what happens.


4. Never pretend to be or make fun of the local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.


5. If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die.


6. If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on.


7. The monster is never dead until everyone else is!


8. If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.


9. Don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets either killed or possessed.


10. If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinks he knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs.


11. If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.


12. If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.


13. When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him.


14. When you hear scary music run the other direction!


15. Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.


16. If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it.


17. If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra- corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.


18. Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.


19. If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately.


20. Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you.


21. Don't ever wear a badge. You will definatly die within ten minutes.


22. Choose your friends and relatives wisely.


23. Good choices:
    1. chaste teenage girls
    2. any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above)
    3. good dogs
    4. younger assistants to world-famous scientists.
    Bad choices:
    1. security guards
    2. law-enforcement and other municipal officials
    3. teachers/professors
    4. executives of companies with questionable environmental/ scientific practices
    5. psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology
    6. obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls
    7. and of course promiscuous teenage girls.


24. No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear anywhere.


25. If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/ dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.


26. If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too.


27. Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...


28. If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP.


29. If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't use it because before you cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolish by an evil spirit.


30. If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on here", listen to them.


31. If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.


32. If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.


33. It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first.


34. The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good new is he'll also be the first to die.


35. If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.


36. If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.


37. When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.


38. Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.


39. Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price.


40. Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed.


41. Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal.


42. If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance your flybait!


43. Try to avoid going into fruitcellars of old abandoned cabins.


44. If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!


45. Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.


46. If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it.


47. Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you.


48. Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat...


49. Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and run away as fast as possible.


50. If you ever find yourself in a area with a lot of flesh eating zombies, and there are crazy, living people wanting to make a lot of noise, don't disturb them. Better them than you. But if the zombies come after you shoot or hit them in the head, or set them on fire. If all else fails, run like hell away from them.


51. Don't cut up the living dead. The parts will still come after you.


52. Don't go back for a friend, he's a goner.


53. Never, ever use a ouija board alone!! If you do use a board by yourself, Do Not use it in a house that was occupied by an ax murderer.


54. Never, never, never go by yourself to investigate a strange noise coming from the:
    1. basement
    2. attic
    3. any dark room
    without a full company of the National Guard.


55. If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.